Your face looks like you took make up advice from a drunk chimp.
Your speech patterns are akin to if someone cut out your tongue and replaced it with play-doh.
You constantly look like you're pregnant, even though it should be against the law for you to procreate.
You dress like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo on accident.
Your monosyllabic grunts travel through time, to even where cavemen say "what the fuck is she talking about?"
Your thighs are too big for your corduroy pants you insist on wearing every day, which allows me to hear you coming from a mile away.
Your hair dye job screams accident, but its been the same for 3 years now.
You butcher the English language so well, you should open up a shop, and sell slabs of vowels.
You stare blankly at a copier as if it holds the answers to the universe.
Your pronunciation of your daughter's name "CHRIYUSTEENUH" makes me want to permanently remove my ears by bashing them on the concrete.
You just really deserve to be launched into space, but I don't want advanced life forms to think that there is a planet of you.
You should be locked in a closet with a sexually aggressive panther, but that would be mean to the panther.
Your laugh sounds like a turkey's mating call. But if the turkey has severe head trauma.
I just hate you.